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Englische Ausarbeitung, richtig so?

Dieses Thema im Forum "Off-Topic-Location" wurde erstellt von Ostwestfale, 31 Oktober 2007.

  1. Ostwestfale
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    Hey zusammen.
    Durch einen verbockten Test habe ich mit meiner Klasse die Chance bekommen, eine Hausaufgabe abzugeben.
    Thema ist "The Future of IT", also für das Fach Englisch.
    Ich hab mal einen Text geschrieben und ein paar Mal gelesen, nur sicher sind da blöde Zeitfehler und so weiter noch drin.
    Könntet ihr den mal gegenlesen und mir ggf. Fehler zeigen und erklären?
    Ich will ja nicht nur eine bessere Leistung sondern auch daraus lernen.

    Hier der Text:
    I think IT is like a wave in the ocean.
    For example today the Thin-Client concept is up to date but in fact it is an old concept.
    This technology begins in the 1970´s where every people in the firm have a terminal on his desk and only connect to a host system.
    Then firms buy a lot of PC´s and don’t want the terminals any more.
    Today the wave comes back with terminals and big host systems in the background.
    So it is only a question of time when firms don’t want the terminals any more and buy new PC´s.
    In this Way it is like a wave which is coming, going and coming again.

    Further, I think that will be more and more technology in our homes.
    Today exists only houses with experimental technologies, but in a few years every house will be full of technologies.
    Then the people can control the machines in the house with their handy or with things like mail or sms.
    There are a lot of risks, for example what will be when a modern house is infected with a digital virus?
    Can it kill the people in them? Maybe don’t open the door and the windows for many days?
    But in the end the people will ignore a lot of risks and only see the easy life with more technology.

    So in the end the whole world will be full of technologies and the human people are only a minority, the majority are androids.
    In worst case a war will happens and one species dies in it.
    In another case people noticed that the machines have too much influence in the world and then they begin to reduce them.

    Then it will be like the wave in the beginning of this story and so it begins once again…..

    Was haltet ihr so davon?
    Soll nicht zu lang sein sagte der Lehrer, das ist meine Meinung und noch recht kurz.
    Danke für eure Mühe.



    Gruß
     
    #1
    Ostwestfale, 31 Oktober 2007
  2. wanci
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    Schaus dir nochmal durch. Das ist so voller Fehler, dass ich gar nicht anfangen will, die aufzuzählen...
     
    #2
    wanci, 31 Oktober 2007
  3. jeff499
    jeff499 (35)
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    Ich hab mal ganz grob die Fehler markiert, die mir ins Auge gesprungen sind. Denk noch mal darüber nach.

    Keine Garantie auf Richtigkeit und Vollständigkeit. (...es ist schon spät)

    I think IT is like a wave in the ocean.
    For example today the Thin-Client concept is up to date but in fact it is an old concept.
    This technology begins in the 1970´s where every people in the firm have a terminal on his desk and only connect to a host system.
    Then firms buy a lot of PC´s and don’t want the terminals any more.
    Today the wave comes back with terminals and big host systems in the background.
    So it is only a question of time when firms don’t want the terminals any more and buy new PC´s.
    In this Way it is like a wave which is coming, going and coming again.

    Further, I think that will be more and more technology in our homes.
    Today exists only houses with experimental technologies, but in a few years every house will be full of technologies.
    Then the people can control the machines in the house with their handy or with things like mail or sms.
    There are a lot of risks, for example what will be when a modern house is infected with a digital virus?
    Can it kill the people in them? Maybe don’t open the door and the windows for many days?
    But in the end the people will ignore a lot of risks and only see the easy life with more technology.

    So in the end the whole world will be full of technologies and the human people are only a minority, the majority are androids.
    In worst case a war will happens and one species dies in it.
    In another case people noticed that the machines have too much influence in the world and then they begin to reduce them.

    Then it will be like the wave in the beginning of this story and so it begins once again…..



    Off-Topic:
    *lol* ich musste bei "handy" an Happy Tree Friends denken:
    [​IMG]
     
    #3
    jeff499, 31 Oktober 2007
  4. Ostwestfale
    Verbringt hier viel Zeit Themenstarter
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    Hey ihr beiden.
    Danke für die Korrektur.
    Ich werde dann nun eine Nacht darüber schlafen und morgen nochmal voll konzentriert korrigieren und eine hoffentlich bessere Fassung veröffentlichen.
    Somit nun erstmal bitte keine weiteren Korrekturen bis zur 2. Version.
    Danke für die bisherigen Mühen.


    Gruß
     
    #4
    Ostwestfale, 31 Oktober 2007
  5. Ostwestfale
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    Hey.
    Hier die Version 2, ich hoffe diesmal besser.

    I think IT is like a wave in the ocean.
    For example today the Thin-Client concept is up to date but in fact it is an old concept.
    This technology started in the 1970´s where people in the firm had a terminal on his desk and only connected to a host system.
    Then firms bought a lot of PC´s and did not want the terminals any more.
    Today the wave comes back with terminals and big host systems in the background.
    So it is only a question of time when firms don’t want the terminals any more and buy new PC´s.
    In this Way it is like a wave which is coming, going and coming again.

    Further, I think there will be more and more technology in our homes.
    Today there are only houses with experimental technologies, but in a few years every house will be full of technologies.
    Then the people can control the machines in the house with their mobile phone or with things like mail or sms.
    There are a lot of risks, for example what will be when a modern house is infected with a digital virus?
    Can it kill the people? Maybe doesn’t open the door and the windows for many days?
    But in the end the people will ignore a lot of risks and only see the easy life with more technology.

    So in the end the whole world will be full of technologies and the human people are only a minority, the majority are androids.
    In worst case a war will happen and one species dies in it.
    In another case people will notice that the machines have too much influence in the world and then they begin to reduce them.

    Then it will be like the wave in the beginning of this story and so it begins once again…..


    Danke für die Mühen.

    Gruß

    P.S. Ja, Handy von den Baumfreunden ist cool *g*
     
    #5
    Ostwestfale, 1 November 2007
  6. C++
    C++
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    Löschen des Acc. ist nicht möglich.
     
    #6
    C++, 1 November 2007
  7. whitewolf
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    Ich hab mich mal daran versucht. Nimm nicht alles fuer bare Muenze, in der Schule hatte ich in Englisch immer eine 4, aber ich denke, das hat sich verbessert. Vielleicht kann noch jemand meine Vorschlaege kommentieren.

    Was mir auffaellt:

    1)
    the people = das Volk
    people (ohne Artikel) = Leute

    2)
    Vielleicht kannst Du irgendwo noch eine Formulierung wie

    cycles repeating every couple of years
    unterbringen. (Statt der Welle)

    Bei den beiden letzten Sachen (had/began), das soll Konjunktiv sein, haette ich auch gerne mal fachmaennischen Rat, ob das so richtig ist.


    So:

    *****************************************

    I think IT is like a wave in the ocean.
    For example today the Thin-Client concept is [strike]up to date[/strike] <state of the art> but in fact it is an old concept.
    This technology [strike]started[/strike] <evolved> in the 1970´s [strike]where[/strike] <when> [strike]people in the firm had a terminal on his desk and only connected to a host system.[/strike]
    <firms were equipped with computer terminals connected to host sytems (mainframes)>
    Then firms [strike]bought a lot of PC´s and did not want the terminals any more.[/strike] <changed to PC networks>
    Today the wave [strike]comes[/strike] <rolls> back with terminals and big host systems in the background.
    So it is only a question of time when firms [strike]don’t want the terminals any more and buy new PC´s.[/strike] <will switch back to PC's.>
    In this [strike]Way[/strike] <way/aspect/respect> it is like a wave which is coming, going and coming again.

    Further, I think [strike]there will be more and more technology in our homes.[/strike] <the amount of technologly will increase in our homes>
    Today there are only houses <equipped> with experimental technologies, but in a few years every house will be [strike]full of technologies.[/strike] <fully equipped with latest state of the art technologies>
    Then [strike]the people[/strike] <everyone> can control the [strike]machines[/strike] <appliances> in [strike]the house[/strike] <his houshold> with [strike]their[/strike] <his> mobile phone or with things like mail or sms.
    There are a lot of risks, for example what will [strike]be[/strike] <happen> when <if?> a modern house is infected with a digital virus?
    Can it kill [strike]the[/strike] people? Maybe [strike]doesn’t[/strike] <it will not> open the door and the windows for many days?
    But in the end [strike]the[/strike] people will [strike]ignore[/strike] <accept> a lot of risks and <will> only see [strike]the easy life[/strike] <the easement of life> with more technology.

    [strike]So in the end[/strike] <The bottom line is:> the whole world will be full of technologies and the [strike]human people are only a minority[/strike] <mankind could become a minority>, the majority [strike]are[/strike] <were> androids.
    In <the> worst case a war [strike]will[/strike] <might> happen and one species [strike]dies[/strike] <died> in it.
    In another [strike]case[/strike] <scenario> [strike]people[/strike] <the human race (um die Wiederholung von mankind zu vermeiden)> will notice that the machines [strike]have[/strike] <had> too much influence in the world and then they [strike]begin[/strike] <began> to reduce them.

    Then it will be like the wave in the beginning of this story and so it begins once again…..


    Danke für die Mühen.

    Gruß

    P.S. Ja, Handy von den Baumfreunden ist cool *g*
     
    #7
    whitewolf, 1 November 2007
  8. Mìa Culpa
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    #8
    Mìa Culpa, 1 November 2007
  9. Ostwestfale
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    Hey zusammen.
    Danke für eure Texte, sind schon ganz andere Welten als ich geschrieben habe.
    Ich werde sie mal kritisch durchlesen und daraus was eigenes versuchen zu erschaffen.
    Das veröffentliche ich dann hier nochmal zur Prüfung.

    Danke auch für die Tipps, ich war mal gar nicht so schlecht in Englisch nur ich habe es 2 Jahre nicht mehr gebraucht.
    Gelesen ja, aber nicht mehr verfasst.
    Und man rostet echt ein und verliert vieles leider.
    Ich werde mich damit mal wieder näher befassen,
    danke nochmal.


    Gruß
     
    #9
    Ostwestfale, 1 November 2007
  10. Ostwestfale
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    Hey.
    Hier die nächste Fassung.
    Man wird merken, dass sie sehr stark abgekupfert ist.
    Aber bitte lest nochmal drüber,
    ich persönlich find sie absolut super.
    Zukünftig werd ich mal gucken ob ich wieder mehr schreibe,
    gibt ja genug Möglichkeiten....

    Text:


    In my opinion information technology behaves like a wave in the ocean.
    For example today the Thin-Client concept is up to date but in fact it is an old concept.
    This technology was developed in the 1970´s when firms were equipped with computer terminals connected to a mainframe..
    Then firms changed to Desktop PC´s.
    Today the wave rolls back with terminals and big host systems in the background.
    So it is only a question of time when firms will switch back to Desktop PC´s.
    In this aspect it is like a wave which is coming, going and coming again.

    Further, I think the amount of technology in our homes will increase stronger.
    Today there are only houses equipped with experimental technologies, but in a few years every house will be fully equipped with latest state of art technologies.
    Then everybody can control the appliances in his house with his mobile phone or with things like mail or sms.
    There are a lot of risks, for example what will happen if a modern house is infected with a digital virus?
    Can it kill people? Maybe it will not open the door and the windows for many days?
    But in the end people will accept a lot of risks and only see vantages in a life with more technology.

    So the whole world will be full of technologies and the mankind could become a minority, the majority were androids.
    In worst case a war might happen and one species died in it.
    In another scenario the human race will notice that the machines had too much influence in the world and then they began to reduce them.

    Then it will be like the wave in the beginning of this story and so it begins once again…..



    Gruß und danke für alle Mühen
     
    #10
    Ostwestfale, 2 November 2007
  11. einTil
    einTil (33)
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    In my opinion information technology behaves like a wave in the ocean.
    For example today the Thin-Client concept is up to date but in fact it is an old concept.
    This technology was developed in the 1970´s when firms were equipped with computer terminals connected to a mainframe..
    Then firms changed to Desktop PC´s.
    Today the wave rolls back with terminals and big host systems in the background.
    So it is only a question of time when firms will switch back to Desktop PC´s.
    In this aspect it is like a wave which is coming, going and coming again.

    Further, I think the amount of technology in our homes will increase [strike]stronger[/strike]. Oder willst du "Die Anzahl an Technologie in Haushalten wird immer stärker zunehmen" sagen? Dann könntest du "increase exponentially" schreiben.
    Today there are only houses equipped with experimental technologies, but in a few years every house will be fully equipped with latest state of art technologies.
    Then everybody can control the appliances in his house with his mobile phone or with things like mail or sms.
    There are a lot of risks, for example what will happen if a modern house is infected with a digital virus?
    Can it kill people? Maybe it will not open the door and the windows for many days?
    But in the end people will accept a lot of risks and only see advantages in a life with more technology.

    So the whole world will be full of technologies and [strike]the[/strike] mankind "mankind" als "die Menschheit" hat keinen Artikel could become a minority, the majority were eventuell besser "wold be"? "Were" ist auf jeden Fall falsch, eventuell den Sqatz ganz umbauen als "and androids could outnumber humans" androids.
    In worst case a war might happen and one species [strike]died[/strike] may die denk dran, du redest von zukünftigen potentiellen Ereignissen. Also ist die Vergangenheitsform hier falsch in it.
    In another scenario the human race will notice that the machines [strike]had[/strike] have siehe eben too much influence in the world and then [strike]they began to reduce[/strike] begin reducing them.

    Then it will be like the wave in the beginning of this story and so it begins once again…..

    Legende:

    Durchgestrichen und Blau: Korrekturen. Pink: Kommentare
     
    #11
    einTil, 2 November 2007
  12. Ostwestfale
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    Hey.
    @ einTil
    Danke für deine Korrektur, besonders für die Erklärungen.
    So lerne ich auch warum es so ist und kann es gut nachvollziehen.

    Hier die neue Fassung:

    In my opinion information technology behaves like a wave in the ocean.
    For example today the Thin-Client concept is up to date but in fact it is an old concept.
    This technology was developed in the 1970´s when firms were equipped with computer terminals connected to a mainframe.
    Then firms changed to Desktop PC´s.
    Today the wave rolls back with terminals and big host systems in the background.
    So it is only a question of time when firms will switch back to Desktop PC´s.
    In this aspect it is like a wave which is coming, going and coming again.

    Further, I think the amount of technology in our homes will increase exponentially.
    Today there are only houses equipped with experimental technologies, but in a few years every house will be fully equipped with latest state of art technologies.
    Then everybody can control the appliances in his house with his mobile phone or with things like mail or sms.
    There are a lot of risks, for example what will happen if a modern house is infected with a digital virus?
    Can it kill people? Maybe it will not open the door and the windows for many days?
    But in the end people will accept a lot of risks and only see vantages in a life with more technology.

    So the whole world will be full of technologies and mankind could become a minority, the majority would be androids.
    In worst case a war might happen and one species may die.
    In another scenario the human race will notice that the machines have too much influence in the world and then they begin reducing them.

    Then it will be like the wave in the beginning of this story and so it begins once again…..


    Gruß
     
    #12
    Ostwestfale, 2 November 2007
  13. Mìa Culpa
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    #13
    Mìa Culpa, 2 November 2007
  14. einTil
    einTil (33)
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    #14
    einTil, 2 November 2007
  15. Mìa Culpa
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    #15
    Mìa Culpa, 2 November 2007
  16. timtam
    timtam (29)
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    For example today the Thin-Client concept is up to date but in fact it is an old concept.

    Dieser Satz macht doch keinen Sinn? Wie kann etwas up to date sein und trotzdem alt? Wenn es einfach heute gebraucht wird, solltest du das anders schreiben...
     
    #16
    timtam, 2 November 2007
  17. Mìa Culpa
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    #17
    Mìa Culpa, 2 November 2007
  18. Ostwestfale
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    Hey zusammen.
    Danke für die weiteren Kommentare.
    @ Miá
    Der Text von dir ist ja mehr als phänomenal.
    Du hast ja tausend Wiederholungen heraus gedreht, hört sich nun tausend mal runder an.
    Wolltest du mir nicht immer schon Nachhilfe geben? *fg*
    Hab den Satz mit den Fenstern gestrichen, wollte eigentlich damit nur ausdrücken was eine mögliche Konsequenz ist.
    Aber wenn das nicht so gut ist streich ich ihn besser, denn wenn keiner ihn versteht bringt er nichts.

    @ all
    Danke für jeden Tipp bisher.
    Ihr seid spitze.


    Hier die neue Fassung:

    In my opinion information technology behaves like a wave in the ocean.
    For example today the thin-Client concept is up to date but in fact it is an old idea.
    This technology was developed in the 1970s when companies were equipped with computer terminals connected to a mainframe.
    Gradually, business companies changed their equipment into desktop computers.
    Today the wave rolls back with terminals and big host systems in the background.
    As a consequence it is only a question of time until firms will invest in Desktop PC´s again.
    In this aspect such behaviour can be compared to a wave which is alternately coming, going and coming again.

    Furthermore, I think the amount of technology in our homes will increase exponentially.
    Today there are only houses provided with experimental technologies, but in a few years every household will be fully equipped with latest state of art technologies which enables everyone to control all appliances in his home by mobile phone or with things like mail or text messages (SMS).
    Even tough, there are a lot of risks: What’s going to happen if a modern house became infected with a digital virus?
    Could it kill people?
    But in the end people will probably accept a lot of risks because the only see their own advantages in a more technologized life.

    So the whole world will be full of technology and mankind could become a minority, the majority would be android.
    In the worst case a war might happen and one species may dies in it.
    In another scenario the human race would noticed that the machines had too much influence on the world and then they began to reduce them.

    And once again it would be like a wave in the ocean with its burgeoning closes circuit.



    Gruß
     
    #18
    Ostwestfale, 2 November 2007
  19. Mìa Culpa
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    #19
    Mìa Culpa, 2 November 2007
  20. Ostwestfale
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    Guten Morgen Mia,

    erneut danke für deine Überarbeitung.
    Beim lesen ist mir aber eine Stelle aufgefallen, wo ich nicht sicher bin.
    Environment hört sich schon nach was an,
    aber da lasse ich lieber meine Laienlösung weil environment für mich mehr den Charakter Einrichtung hat.
    Trotz danke für die Idee.

    In my opinion information technology behaves like a wave in the ocean.
    For example today the thin-Client concept is up to date but in fact it is an old idea.
    This technology was developed in the 1970s when companies were equipped with computer terminals connected to a mainframe.
    Gradually, business companies changed their equipment into desktop computers.
    Today the wave rolls back with terminals and big host systems in the background.
    As a consequence, it is only a question of time until firms will invest in Desktop PC´s again.
    In this aspect, such behaviour can be compared to a wave which is alternately coming, going and coming again.

    Furthermore, I think the amount of technology in our homes will increase exponentially.
    Today there are only a few houses provided with experimental technologies, but in a few years every household will be fully equipped with latest state-of-the-art technologies which enables everyone to control all appliances in his home by mobile phone, email or text messages (SMS).
    Even tough, there are a lot of risks: What’s going to happen if a modern house became infected with a digital virus?
    Could it kill people?
    But in the end people will probably accept a lot of risks because the only see their own advantages in a more technologized life.

    So the whole world will be full of technology and mankind could become a minority, the majority would be android.
    In the worst case a war might happen and one species may dies (ist die species nicht it und dadurch mit s am ende bei dies?) in it.
    In another scenario the human race would noticed that the machines had too much influence on the world and then they began to reduce them.

    And once again it would be like a wave in the ocean with its burgeoning closes circuit.


    Gruß

    P.S. Ich such mir nun erstmal ne Sprachschule um mein Englisch nochmal grundliegend aufzubessern und zu erweitern.
    Ist ja dringend nötig....
     
    #20
    Ostwestfale, 3 November 2007

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