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Englische Witze........

Dieses Thema im Forum "Fun- & Rätselecke" wurde erstellt von ATS21, 4 Oktober 2005.

  1. ATS21
    ATS21 (34)
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    Hier mal wieder einer,... finde ich einfach genial den hier: :grin:

    A train was quite crowded, so the U. S. Marine walked its entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.
    The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
    The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
    "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
    She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
    This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the
    little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
    The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
    "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.
    And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
     
    #1
    ATS21, 4 Oktober 2005
  2. ATS21
    ATS21 (34)
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    wieder einer,...

    When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, fishing, hunting, always something more important to me.

    Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
    When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
    grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

    I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a few minutes. When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."
     
    #2
    ATS21, 5 Oktober 2005
  3. Trogdor
    Trogdor (40)
    Verbringt hier viel Zeit
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    Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He
    concludes by
    saying:

    "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

    "OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

    His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously
    watching as
    the President sits, head in hands, crying quietly.

    Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a
    brazillion?"
     
    #3
    Trogdor, 7 Oktober 2005
  4. ATS21
    ATS21 (34)
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    The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all
    the background checks,interviews and testing were
    done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the
    men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We
    must know that you will follow your instructions no
    matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you
    will find your wife sitting in a chair..Kill Her!!!"

    The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never
    shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the
    right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."


    The second man was given the same instructions. He
    took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet
    for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in
    his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The
    agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your
    wife and go home."

    Finally, it was the woman's turn . She was given
    the same instructions,to kill her husband. She took
    the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard,
    one after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
    banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
    quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
    woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun
    is loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair."

    MORAL: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.
     
    #4
    ATS21, 7 Oktober 2005
  5. Faithless
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    #5
    Faithless, 8 Oktober 2005
  6. User 11345
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    why is 6 afraid of 7 ?
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    answer:
    because 7, 8, 9.
     
    #6
    User 11345, 8 Oktober 2005
  7. Faithless
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    #7
    Faithless, 8 Oktober 2005
  8. Faithless
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    #8
    Faithless, 8 Oktober 2005
  9. ATS21
    ATS21 (34)
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    I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

    My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her cleavage. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

    One day my fiance's little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

    Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.

    I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

    I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

    Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

    With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!


    And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car! :tongue: :grin:
     
    #9
    ATS21, 8 Oktober 2005
  10. Faithless
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    #10
    Faithless, 8 Oktober 2005
  11. gravemind
    Benutzer gesperrt
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    A British business man travels to a province in China. He asks a peasant: "Do you have elections here ???"
    Being a little bit embarresed the peasent answers: " Yes, sil....evely day"
     
    #11
    gravemind, 8 Oktober 2005
  12. Faithless
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    #12
    Faithless, 10 Oktober 2005
  13. ATS21
    ATS21 (34)
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    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
    either," and storms out of the house.

    After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

    She says, "I was in bed."

    "In bed this early, doing what?"

    "Getting a second opinion!"
     
    #13
    ATS21, 11 Oktober 2005
  14. Butterbrot
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    *lol* good one :grin:
     
    #14
    Butterbrot, 11 Oktober 2005
  15. ATS21
    ATS21 (34)
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    A woman's perfect breakfast.....

    Sitting at the table with a tall, vanilla latté.

    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl,

    ... and her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
     
    #15
    ATS21, 11 Oktober 2005
  16. User 42876
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    An ambitious software engineer finally decided to take a vacation. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life. At least for a while. A hurricane came up unexpectedly. The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept up on the shores of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing. Only bananas and coconuts.

    Used to four-star hotels, this guy had no idea what to do. So, for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

    One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

    In disbelief, he asked her: "Where did you come from, and how did you get here?"

    "I rowed from the other side of the island," she said. "I landed here when my cruise ship sank."

    "Amazing," the software engineer said, "I didn't know anyone else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you."

    "It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up: nothing did."

    He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"

    "Oh, simple," replied the woman. "I made it out of raw material that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum-tree branches, I wove the bottom from palm branches, and the sides and stern came from a eucalyptus tree."

    "But, but, that's impossible," stuttered the man.

    "You had no tools or hardware - how did you manage?"

    "Oh, that was no problem," the woman said. "On the south side of the island, there is a very unusual strata of exposed alluvial rock. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature, it
    melted into forgeable ductile iron. I used that to make tools, and used the tools to make
    the hardware. But enough of that. There do you live?"

    Sheepishly, the man confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach
    the whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place then," she said.

    After a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small wharf. As the man looked onto shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

    While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

    As they walked into the house, she said casually,
    "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like to have a drink?"

    "No, no, thank you," he said, still dazed. "I couldn't drink another drop of coconut juice."

    "It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have made a still - How about a Pina Colada?"

    Trying to hide his continued amazement, the software engineer accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
    Would you like to have a shower and a shave? There is a razor upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."

    No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow-ground edge were fastened to its tip, inside a swivel mechanism.

    "This woman is absolutely amazing," he mused. "What next?"

    When he returned, the woman greeted him. She beckoned for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she began suggestively, Slithering closer to him, brushing her leg against his, "We've both been out here for a very long time. You've been lonely. There's something I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing to do for all of these
    months."

    She stared into his eyes.

    He couldn't believe what he was hearing - this was like all of his dreams coming true in one day.
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    "You mean...," he replied, "I can check my e-mail from here?"
     
    #16
    User 42876, 11 Oktober 2005
  17. ATS21
    ATS21 (34)
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    The Worst Santa Joke Ever.......... really bad one :eek4:

    Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration, and the FAA examiner arrived last week for the pre-Christmas flight check.
    In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and truly put Santa's flying skills to the test.
    The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and even Rudolph's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for the sled's enormous payload.
    Finally, they were ready for the check ride.
    Santa got in and fastened his seat belt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.
    "What's that for!?" asked Santa incredulously.
    The examiner winked and said, "I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time, but... you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff."
     
    #17
    ATS21, 12 Oktober 2005
  18. User 42876
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    thanks for reminding me of Santa :zwinker:

    A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?" The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and Action Man."
    Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken." "No," said the little girl. "She comes with Action Man, she fakes it with Ken."
     
    #18
    User 42876, 12 Oktober 2005

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