@Maenner: the best sex advice ever (Teil 2) We now come to the subject of Dirty talk Here, women differentiate themselves into two categories. I have deemed them “romantic” and “sl*tty”. Romantic dirty talk sounds like a romance novel. Sl*tty dirty talk sounds like a porno. Find out what your woman likes, and talk to her. A man “talking dirty” to his woman is the equivalent of the woman wearing lingerie for him. A DJ would do well to keep this in mind. If you feel weird or strange about this, just keep this in mind. When you get good enough at talking dirty to your woman, you can actually give her an orgasm by simply talking to her. That is VERY cool. Not many men can do it. Here are some Advanced Sexual Techniques for Sex acts Vary where you have sex. Good places include on the couch, on the kitchen table (ever popular), on the stairs, in the garage, bent over a desk, in a closet, or even outside. The key is let her wonder if, when you start in the bedroom, you will wind up someplace else. You will have a position that you both prefer, but don't forget to vary it. Legs up / down / apart / together, etc. Vary the position, and the position of the limbs. A good example is missionary style, WITH HER LEGS PRESSED TIGHTLY TOGETHER. (I like missionary, hence, I have LOTS of variations of it! There's nothing like looking a woman in the face when you are doing her!) Your legs go OUTSIDE hers. If you slide your body towards her head further than you would ordinarily be, you will contact her cl*t WITH YOUR PENIS. This position is called “skinning the cat”. It's very hard to maintain, as your penis will have a tendency to slip out. If you do this right, she will have a very amazing orgasm, quite unlike anything she has ever had before. One unique thing you can do regarding her orgasm is this: make her look you right in the eye when you are giving her an orgasm. This works well if you are using your fingers. Make her look you right in the eye from start to finish. If she ever closes her eyes, IMMEDIATELY stop and tell her to “Look me in the eye. I want to see your eyes when you come”. This varies the orgasms for her. Somehow, it makes it more intense. Here is a way you can give a woman an orgasm so intense, she will be amazed. Women always have a little bit of an exhibitionist side to them. You are going to play to that very subtlety. Have her wear a dress when you go out to eat. You will get reservations for a corner BOOTH. Make sure the restaurant has long tablecloths. Begin talking dirty to her, and reach under the table, under her dress, and begin to finger her. You are going to bring her to orgasm in a public place. She will want to try and control her response, and the mere fact that she is trying to HIDE the orgasm, will make it much more intense, and harder for her to control. You will have done something that most other men have never even DREAMED of, let alone actually had the courage to do. My second best effort was during a classical music performance. It was very dark, and there wasn't anyone to the left or right for about 6 seats. (What's my best effort? Come on, you don't think I am going to give away ALL my secrets, do you?) Conversely, attend a movie during an afternoon weekday. You know, the ones where there are only one or two people in attendance. Sit way in the back, and have her give you a BJ. When eating her out, get your index finger wet. While licking her cl*t with your tongue, go right above your tongue with your index finger and gently rub. It will feel like TWO tongues on her cl*t. Very explosive orgasm. Another technique is to get her really hot and bothered, then go oral on her, BUT SO GENTLY SHE CAN BARELY FEEL IT. In other words, you are just going to BARELY touch the cl*t. It takes a LONG TIME to bring her to orgasm, but I guarantee that she will say it was “different”. And different is good. Give her an orgasm while she is upside down. Give her an orgasm while riding in the back seat during a “double date” with someone. Bring her to the point of orgasm four or five times, then back off and do something else to let her cool off. We're back to variety! When you have a woman VERY hot and horny, you can often hit her “G” spot. Without going into a big long explanation of what that is, or why you would want to find it, I'm going to get to the heart of the matter. If you don't know what the “G” spot is, do a search using www.google.com . If you are a guy with just an average size penis, this is where you get to shine! It is MUCH harder to do with a bigger penis. You are going to enter her in the missionary position. (If you don't know what that is, you should be reading “Sir_Chancealot's Definitive Post on Beginning Sexual Techniques! Coming soon. Or should I say “Coming too soon”? HAHAHA!) Normally, in the missionary position, you are thrusting DOWN into her. In the missionary position, you must LIFT HER BUTT UP OFF THE BED. You are going to thrust into her in an UPWARD direction. Unless you are a contortionist, this will probably require you to be in a kneeling position, holding the upper thighs. In essence, the head of your penis is going to hit the front of her vagina, instead of going straight in. You'll know when you have it right, because she will start mewling like a kitten. (herrlich, oder?) This is WAY different from the “When Harry Met Sally” type of orgasm (which, if they are like that, are fake anyway). Suffice it to say that you WILL know this sound when you hear it. You may even mistake it for pain. When she starts making that sound, she is VERY close to having an orgasm, WITHOUT you touching her cl*toris. I guarantee you few men have ever given her this type of pleasure. If it is painful or uncomfortable for her, you don't have her hot enough yet. mal ne neue Stellung (fuer mich zumindestens), und das beste ist: es funktioniert! Another word on a woman's orgasm. If you get their legs quivering, that's GOOD! Speaking of NOT touching her cl*toris: How to make a woman orgasm without touching below her waist This one is great guys. It takes effort, but is well worth it. You are going to start with her nipples, but later, you can migrate this technique to ANY body part. You start with the nipples, because it is easier to associate an orgasm with them, over any other body part except the cl*t. Here's how the technique works. First, you have to have lube. Astro-glide works well. You have to bring her close to orgasm two or three times. It is easiest to use one hand for her cl*t, and one for her nipple. When you have done this, you are going to lube up the fingers on one hand. Use a lot, too little and it will end up being irritating, instead of feeling good. Here is what you do. You are going to rub her nipple EXACTLY THE SAME as you rub her cl*t. Usually, a clockwise (or counter-clockwise) motion is easiest to start off with. You must use the SAME PRESSURE, DIRECTION, AND SPEED IN BOTH PLACES. When she gets very close to orgasm, back off of her cl*t, but keep up the pace on her nipple. She will start to come down. When she has settled down for about 5 seconds, start up with her cl*t again. REMEMBER: SAME PRESSURE, SPEED, DIRECTION. Get her close to orgasm again. Let off her cl*t, but continue with the nipple. Eventually, you will back off the cl*t, but she will continue on to orgasm. You must do it exactly like this for three or four times. (Don't do it 3-4 times right in a row. Variety, remember?). After you have done it like that three or four times in a row, now you are going to play with her nipples without touching her cl*t. She will get off WITHOUT you touching anywhere near her genitals. I guarantee her response will be “Wow! That sure was different!” Make sure you get to the point where both nipples are involved. After this is achieved, you need to do the same thing, but on a different body part. Her earlobes are easy to do. Instead of using your fingers, you'll use your tongue. Do it the same way that you first “trained” her to get off with you touching her nipples. You are going to massage her cl*t with your finger, and her earlobe with your tongue. Eventually, you will be able to get her off by just licking her earlobe. BTW, this is MUCH easier if you talk to her while you are doing this. Say things like “Imagine that, while I am rubbing your nipple / earlobe, it is really your cl*t. Imagine that the two are connected, and what you feel in your cl*t, you feel in your nipples / earlobes”. She WILL feel the two are connected, because you are doing the same thing to both body parts. Get good enough, and she will associate the sound of your voice talking to her like that with her orgasm. Then, you will be able to give her one with your voice alone. You will TRULY be a Master DJ then! Some additional thoughts on the sex act As I have repeatedly stated, women want variety. In addition to variety of position, frequency, etc., they want variety in how you treat them. Here is a secret that not many men know. SOMETIMES, A WOMAN DOESN'T WANT AN ORGASM. Yes, I know. You're thinking, “Sir_Chancealot, you are off your rocker!” Well, you'd be wrong. Sometimes women DON'T want an orgasm. If you do not believe me, ask your woman. Don't always give her one. Let her wonder if you are going to give her one. I will cover some scenarios in which you AREN'T going to give her an orgasm, and it will drive her wild. This is something that will drive a woman nuts. When you have sex with her, make sure she has an orgasm. However, you are going to stop short of orgasm during sex. She will ask you why you are stopping. Just tell her that you don't feel like having an orgasm tonight. The first time, she won't think anything about it. Do it three or four times in a row, and she will go nuts figuring out why you don't want to get off. She will become an absolute sex fiend for you, until she gets you to come. (Yes, I know how difficult this will be for you. I AM a man, after all!) Ok, here's another one that not many men have the courage to do. Masturbate for her. That's right, you are going to whip the weasel while she watches. If she tries to “help” you, do not let her. Make her watch. Not many women have had the opportunity for this, and it will turn her on immensely. Continue to completion. There's about a 75% probability that she will start doing the same on herself before you are finished. Here's a cool one that requires a lot of self-control. You are not going to have “sex” for a week. Everything that applies to you also applies to her. The first night, all you are going to do is kiss. The second night, you can kiss and caress anywhere above the waist, EXCEPT the breasts (over her shirt). The third night, you can remove the shirt, and kiss and caress everywhere above the waist, but OVER her bra. The fourth night, you are going to remove the bra, and can kiss and caress everywhere, even below the waist. You cannot touch her genitals, and no orgasms for either party. The fifth night, you are going to remove her pants, and you can kiss and caress everywhere, but OVER HER PANTIES. No orgasm for either party. The sixth night, you are going to be completely naked. You can do ANYTHING you want (including any type of sexual act) but NO orgasm for either party. The seventh night, you can do anything you want! (Careful you don't blow her head off when you do finally let loose!) Here's a fun one. Have a race to orgasm. Each party must make the other one get off as quickly as possible. Whoever gets their partner off quicker wins a prize of some sort. My quickest time from no touching my partner until her orgasm? Three minutes. See if you can improve on my record! Try to time your orgasm so you two get off at the same time. This is called simultaneous orgasm. Don't tell her you are doing this. It won't happen very often, but when it does... WOW! Rub your hard penis all over her body. And by ALL OVER that's EXACTLY what I mean. Even rub it all over her face. Chances are, she's never had that done before. When she goes down on you, tell her how good she's making you feel. Give her directions (harder / softer / faster / slower / etc). Some women like you to grab their head and guide it up and down. Some don't. You'll find out quick enough. Here's one that may be a little difficult for you if you don't already do it. Moan during sex. Most women get turned on. I don't mean make a big production about it, but DON'T BE SILENT. Would you want HER to be absolutely quiet? I didn't think so. During orgasm, let out with a roar now and then. This will drive her wild also. Once in a blue moon, when you walk through the door, don't say anything. Grab her and throw her across your shoulders. Carry her to the bedroom, and take her clothes off. Bang the h*ll out of her without saying a word. After you get off, say, “I've been wanting to do that all day” and then go to the kitchen and grab a beer, a coke, or something to eat. Sometimes, women love when a man just screws their legs off JUST BECAUSE HE WANTS THAT P*SSY! This can make a woman feel ULTRA feminine. Women love romance, foreplay, tenderness, and caressing. But sometimes they just want a good hard f*ck too. When you catch her wearing old clothes, LITERALLY rip them off her body, and do her. Make sure you rip her panties off too. Never let a woman know how long you are going to have sex. Make it an hours long marathon one time, and a quickie the next. Make it a quick quickie, and then a long quickie. Make it a short marathon, then a long one. The key is variety. They should never know how long it is going to last. Wake her up with oral. There's a good chance she'll return the favour sometime. Get hard before she wakes up, lube it up, and (as Whitesnake sings) “Slide it in, right to the top”. She will most likely love when you do that, but ONLY if the relationship is going good. If you are bold enough... sometime when you are having a real heated argument, and she is WRONG (I mean blatantly wrong, but too pig-headed to admit it) tell her that if she doesn't apologise, you are going to spank her ass. She'll make some smart-aleck comment. Follow through on your threat. Wrestle her to the ground, and spank her like a newborn. There's a 50-50 chance it will lead to some REALLY wild sex. The 50-50 chance is why I said “IF” you are bold enough. Ask her what one of her fantasies is. Try to fulfil it. (WARNING: It is REALLY DEVESTATING to bring another person in for a threesome, etc. Do not do this unless you have absolutely no doubt that this LTR isn't going anywhere. Even then, I don't recommend it.) If she wants you to dress in a clown outfit, wear big shoes, a red nose, and constantly say “You like THIS Big-Mac don't you baby!” DO IT! H*ll, you might have a laugh and have some fun with it. If she describes a fantasy where she is stripping for a bunch of whistling sailors, get a sailor suit, and make her strip for you. Go wild and tuck that buck! The thing is, while you may not make her EXACT fantasy come true (and many women want their fantasies to remain just that – fantasies), you can give her a close approximation. Not many men are confident enough in themselves to do this. But she'll love you for it! Don't always be serious in bed. Learn to laugh, have fun, and play during sex. Learn to be passionate, sometimes kinky, sometimes noisy, and sometimes quiet. The key is not to take it so seriously. Here is one that is fun. Have the woman ride you, and try to guess when you orgasm. You try to hold perfectly still and not let her know. If she knows, she wins something. If she doesn't know, you do. You can reverse this also. You try to get HER to orgasm, and she tries to NOT let you know. It's more difficult for the woman that you think. Tell her that you have always wanted to have an affair with a blonde / brunette / redhead. Give her the money to go out and get a wig, and tell her to surprise you with it one night. While wearing the wig, she must act TOTALLY different than her real personality, and she must greet you “in character” when you come home. Most women find this a pretty fun thing to do. What to do after the sex is over Ok men, it takes a woman MUCH longer to come down from an orgasm than a man. MUCH LONGER. What you do during this time can elevate you from being a good lover into being a GREAT lover. Talk to her and caress her for a while. Tell her how sexy she was during sex. Tell her how much she turned you on, etc. Believe me, not many guys take the time to do this properly. You do this right, and it will make up for a lot of mistakes. One of the coolest things you can do is to hide a single rose under the bed / pillow. A little while after her orgasm, give it to her. Yes, “No flowers” claim the DJs. Sir_Chancealot gives you permission to break that rule with this technique. Ok men. I hope you have found this article refreshing, enlightening, entertaining, and most of all, informative. I still have some other secrets that I haven't expounded upon, so don't think this old dog has told you all his tricks. Not by a long shot. I hope that you see how variety is what women want in their sex life. It really is key. One word of warning, however. Once in a while, do the same thing two or three times in a row. “D*mn it Sir_Chancealot! You just spent all of this post telling me to have variety! Now you are telling me to be predictable?” In a word – Yes. If you NEVER do the same thing twice in a row in the bedroom, you have just become predictable, because whatever you are going to do today will be different than yesterday. You just became predictable in your unpredictability. Weird, yeah; but true. Remember to NEVER apologise for your sexual desire. If she complains that “all you want is sex”, come back with “I can't help it you turn me on so much”. When she says, “all you want is sex”, that's womanese for “You aren't paying me enough attention OUTSIDE the bedroom”. Pay her that attention, and that complaint will disappear. THE MORE (GOOD) SEX A WOMAN HAS, THE MORE SEX SHE WANTS! Also, Jungs, ran an den Speck!