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Wer hat nen guten englischen Witz?

Dieses Thema im Forum "Fun- & Rätselecke" wurde erstellt von eine_elfe, 29 November 2005.

  1. eine_elfe
    eine_elfe (31)
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    Hallo an alle, die gern Witze erzählen.

    Ich brauch für die Uni (ja, für die Uni :zwinker: ) ein paar englische Witze, die im Internet gefielen mir bisher nicht so.
    Also, keinnt jemand einen?
     
    #1
    eine_elfe, 29 November 2005
  2. eine_elfe
    eine_elfe (31)
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    keiner??
     
    #2
    eine_elfe, 29 November 2005
  3. Grinsekater1968
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    What do you call a gay dinosaur ?
    Mega-sore-ass :zwinker:
     
    #3
    Grinsekater1968, 29 November 2005
  4. Altkanzler
    Altkanzler (37)
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    A pediatrician, an attorney and a priest are on the titanc when it started to go down.

    The pediatrician: "Save the chldren"
    the attorney: "Oh fuck the children"
    the priest "What do we have the time for that ?"
     
    #4
    Altkanzler, 29 November 2005
  5. CCFly
    CCFly (36)
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    One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

    The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

    The Husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep.

    A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
     
    #5
    CCFly, 30 November 2005
  6. Covenant
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    Ich hoffe es reicht, wenn ich nur die Pointe ins Englische schreibe, mit dem Englisch ist das schon eine Weile her bei mir, aber die Pointe funktioniert nur in Englisch.


    ALso ..... es war einmal ein Reimwettbewern im wilden Westen, wobei immer ein Reimwort auf ein vorgegebenes Wort gefunden werden muß.
    Es melden sich ein Priester und ein Cowboy, das vorgegebene Wort für beide ist Timbuktu.

    Der Priester überlegt, dann :
    " I was a priest for all my life, i had no women had no wife,
    i came here through, on my way to timbuktu."

    Der Cowboy überlegt auch :
    " When Tim and i went, we met three ladys in a tent,
    we knew what to do, so I book one and Tim book two"


    :jee:
     
    #6
    Covenant, 30 November 2005
  7. starlight169
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    Das ist ein fieser:

    This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

    Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

    Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."
    Again the guy interrupts.

    Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"
    Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

    The guy slumps, just crushed.

    Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

    The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

    Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

    By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.
    The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."


    Und einer meiner Lieblingswitze:


    An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.
    "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
    At that moment, the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.
    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don''t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
    The atheist looked directly into the light "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice.
    The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.
    And then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
     
    #7
    starlight169, 30 November 2005
  8. localhost
    Gast
    0
    Es gibt auch so eine Porno Seite, da steht am Anfang auch ein, meißtens hervorragender, englischer Witz, darf man den Namen hier sagen? Da ist jeden Tag ein neuer...

    Sonst schreib(t) mir ne PN :zwinker:
     
    #8
    localhost, 30 November 2005
  9. eine_elfe
    eine_elfe (31)
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    vielen dank ihr lieben :smile:
    da isnd ja richtige böse dabei, die sind gut.
    hat vielleicht noch jemand was kürzeres und weniger böses/sexmäßiges? (is halt für die uni :zwinker: )
     
    #9
    eine_elfe, 30 November 2005
  10. CCFly
    CCFly (36)
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    Two women friends had gone for a "girls night out." They both were very faithful, loving wives... however, they had gotten a bit over enthusiastic on Margaritas at the Rio.

    Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee, so they stopped in a cemetery. One had nothing to wipe with so she decided to take off her panties and use them. Her friend, however, was wearing expensive panties and didn't want to ruin them... luckily she had squatted next to a grave that had a fresh wreath with a ribbon on it... so she proceeded to wipe with that.

    After the girls completed their "business" they continued toward home.

    The following day, one of the husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed and hung over. He phoned the other husband, and said "These girls nights out have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst! My wife came home with no panties!"

    "That's nothing!" said the other husband, "mine came back with a card stuck to her butt that read:

    "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION... WE WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!!"
     
    #10
    CCFly, 30 November 2005
  11. eine_elfe
    eine_elfe (31)
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    der ist mal lustig!! :tongue:
     
    #11
    eine_elfe, 30 November 2005
  12. CCFly
    CCFly (36)
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    #12
    CCFly, 1 Dezember 2005
  13. eine_elfe
    eine_elfe (31)
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    :grin: noch welche?
     
    #13
    eine_elfe, 1 Dezember 2005
  14. CCFly
    CCFly (36)
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    A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to burn some rubber.

    When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"

    His nervous reply was, "Er, I masturbated with them."

    Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"

    "Yeah, once or twice," he told her.

    "You mean you’ve actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.

    "Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I’d ever lied to my girlfriend."
     
    #14
    CCFly, 1 Dezember 2005

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