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Witz: Things men can do.............

Dieses Thema im Forum "Fun- & Rätselecke" wurde erstellt von ATS21, 12 Dezember 2004.

  1. ATS21
    ATS21 (34)
    kurz vor Sperre
    nicht angegeben
    Witz: Witze für Frauen,....

    15 things a man can do at Wal-Mart -- while his lady is taking her
    dammed sweet time:

    1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

    2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

    3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

    4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone:'Code 3 in Housewares' . . and see what happens.

    5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

    6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

    7. Set-up a tent in the Camping Department -- and tell other shoppers you're sleeping over; invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.

    8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask:"Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

    9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

    10. While handling guns in the Hunting Department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

    11. Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

    12. In the Auto Department, practice your "Madonna look" using
    different sized funnels.

    13. Hide in a clothing rack . . and when people browse through, say:"PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!"

    14. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO!...It's those voices again!!!"

    And last but not least:
    15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while . . . then yell loudly: "There's no toilet paper in here!"

    She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
    Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
    Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
    Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
    And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

    "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
    As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
    "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
    "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."

    I know I'm not going to understand women.
    I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

    While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.
    " He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
    Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
    The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

    A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
    The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
    He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
    She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
    She says, confused,"Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
    He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.
    So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

    (Of course . . . I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton! :smile:

    A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
    An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
    As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
    "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

    A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
    The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
    The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"


    A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
    " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

    A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
    The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
    "The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
    Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
    Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
    So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..."HEBREWS"


    Men are like ...Weather .......... Nothing can be done to change them.

    Men are like ...Blenders .......... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

    Men are like ...Laxatives ........ They irritate the crap out of you.

    Men are like ...Chocolate Bars . Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

    Men are like ...Commercials .... You can't believe a word they say.

    Men are like ...Department Stores ...Their clothes are always 1/2 off.

    Men are like ...Vacations ....... They never seem to be long enough.

    Men are like ...Government Bonds ...They take soooooooo long to mature.

    Men are like ...Mascara .......... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

    Men are like ...Popcorn .......... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

    Men are like ...Snowstorms .....You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

    Men are like ...Lava Lamps ...... Fun to look at, but not very bright.

    Men are like ...Parking Spots ...All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.


    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
    either," and storms out of the house.

    After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

    She says, "I was in bed."

    "In bed this early, doing what?"

    "Getting a second opinion!"
    ATS21, 12 Dezember 2004
  2. Leeloo
    Leeloo (34)
    Ist noch neu hier
    nicht angegeben
    ich kenn das schon is aber immer wieder lustig
    hab ich schon mal gemacht *lol*

    aber am Besten find ich immer noch
    Leeloo, 12 Dezember 2004
  3. fully-fledged
    Verbringt hier viel Zeit
    Ich ahb zwar nicht alles verstanden, aber ich fins toll :grin:
    fully-fledged, 12 Dezember 2004
  4. evi
    Hihi....das ist lustig....


    evi, 12 Dezember 2004
  5. fully-fledged
    Verbringt hier viel Zeit
    Wo gibs das eigentlich? Auch (fast) überall oder kommt (kam das irgendwann mal) von irgendeiner bestimmten Quelle?
    fully-fledged, 12 Dezember 2004
  6. ATS21
    ATS21 (34)
    kurz vor Sperre Themenstarter
    nicht angegeben

    Ne über Jahre hinweg zusammengetragen...... kenne einige US Spldaten, auch einen Britischen Militärpiloten und die schicken mir öfters SEHR gute Witze per email,... das ist nur ein sehr kleiner Teil davon :grin: wird aber noch länger,... ichsuche noch was ich einfügen kann....:
    ATS21, 12 Dezember 2004
  7. shabba
    teh funny, indeed, yesh, yesh...
    shabba, 13 Dezember 2004
  8. ATS21
    ATS21 (34)
    kurz vor Sperre Themenstarter
    nicht angegeben
    some christmas jokes.... :grin:

    What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses

    What do you call Santa Clause after he's fallen into a fireplace? Krisp Kringle

    Who sings "Love Me Tender" and makes Christmas toys? Santa's little Elvis

    What did the Gingerbread Man put on his bed? A cookie sheet

    What reindeer has the cleanest antlers? Comet

    What does Santa like to eat? A jolly roll

    Where do Santa's reindeers like to stop for lunch? Deery Queen

    If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe

    What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia

    What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws

    The 3 stages of man: He believes in Santa Claus He doesn't believe in Santa Claus He is Santa Claus

    Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log

    What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!

    What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish

    Why does Scrooge love Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer? Because every buck is dear to him

    What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer

    How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas? Fleece Navidad!

    Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho

    What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite

    What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon hood

    What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes

    What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? It's Christmas, Eve

    Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem.

    What is the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has NO EL.
    ATS21, 14 Dezember 2004
  9. fully-fledged
    Verbringt hier viel Zeit
    Schade.....die sind bestimmt gut, aber ich verstehe viel zu wenige....
    fully-fledged, 14 Dezember 2004
  10. ATS21
    ATS21 (34)
    kurz vor Sperre Themenstarter
    nicht angegeben
    @ fullyfledged, Druck doch die Witze aus und nimm sie in die Schule mit,.. Dein Englischlehrer/in freut sich bestimmt! :link:

    Das Ideale Geschenk für Katzenliebhaber :grin: :tongue: :tongue:

    (Tierliebhaber, bitte nicht ernstnehmen :bier: )

    ATS21, 14 Dezember 2004
  11. fully-fledged
    Verbringt hier viel Zeit
    Die Anzeige is fies :cry:

    Ja, tolle Idee, mitnehmen und nicht wissen, was die heißen :link: :grin:
    fully-fledged, 14 Dezember 2004

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